Screaming Infidelities.

New boy on the scene. His name’s Seth, and he’s just seventeen, good for me, eh? He’s a little crazy, and he drinks, but he’s working on his problems, and that’s all I’ll ever ask for. He’s really sweet, and he likes me, but for some reason I’m a smart-ass to him, it’s just a protective measure, but he doesn’t see how I can be so sarcastic to him when he’s done nothing wrong. I wish I could explain it all to him, and I wish he would understand. I really like him so far, let’s see how things work out. He smokes cigarettes, and he doesn’t want to change a thing about me it seems. He calls me cute. I really like how nice he is. He has no problem with public displays of affection, and he’s just out-right adorable. I’ll post a picture if I can at the end of this. We might start talking.  Can anyone say butterflies?  I sure as hell can. =P

 

His name’s Seth. Isn’t he just CUTE?

Just Jo Ann Likey. =]

Praying for Love and Paying In Naivety.

 

So yeah. Can’t count how many times I’ve cried today. I saw Cullin this morning, with Megan, the ex you know. He said something last night on the phone about her like apologizing and saying she made a mistake..but I don’t know. I asked him so many times if he was over her, and he told me yes, and to just..I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t what it looked like, but my friend Kirsten said she saw them all hugged up together in vocational yesterday, when I wasn’t at school. I’m just..heart broken. I wrote a song, too.

It started off in cold October.
In my field playing Red Rover.
With just us two.
Just me and you, freezing but we had to finish the game.

Don’t give me sympathy.
I’m weak and lacking anything
And the sound of your name makes me sick.

I take another drink, and light my umpteenth smoke because
Oh, oh here it comes again
The words that I wish you’d never said
And oh, oh no, I’ve begun to choke
On smoke, I’ve choked, oh no, it was words holding my breath at bay

That’s all I’ve got so far, but I like it…

I don’t know, ugh..

I’m just…so hurt.

And if it WAS what it looks like..could he not have just told me instead of throwing it in my face instead?

It hurts more because he knows that it hurts me. I know he knows, he must.

My friends have been so supportive throughout this, and I love them all for it. I’m so glad to have people like that around me.

Just Jo Ann is a fucking mess.

 

Things To Ask On A Rainy Day.

1. Why don’t we go out like we used to?
2. Why did you stop calling to tell me good night?
3. Does any of this have to do with your parents finding out you were talking to a girl?
4. You make me feel like you don’t like me anymore, do you?
5. You know, you should talk to me more about things, and I can take stuff straight, right?

I’m Too Strong To Take This Threat; I’ve Buried Myself In Past Failures

So yes, I was talking to Cullin on the phone last night and we were both a little sleep-deprived. Our usual game of questions turned to more..intimate things you might say. He asked me if I would be comfortable with trying new things, within our two people I’m assuming that he meant things we haven’t done yet, which is everything but kiss. Either way, I told him I wouldn’t be uncomfortable with anything but the obvious, sex. So then I lie awake into the wee hours of the morning pondering on this thought. Would I be uncomfortable? Should I do such actions so early into a ‘relationship’? I also asked him what our situation was, he said we were very close to dating, but he just hadn’t gotten up the courage to ask me to be his girlfriend yet. Hah, that’s nice of course to know because sometimes these things are unclear to me.
Either way, I came to a conclusion. I had lied. I really need to fix this problem with myself. Well, I didn’t actually lie, I just said the first thing that popped into my head so I wouldn’t have to explain further what I was uncomfortable with. I don’t know, now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I have to tell him that what I said wasn’t the complete truth, or at least I would have said something different had I thought it through, like I’m so bad about neglecting. I just really have to figure out how to do it. “Hey Cullin, you know what I said about me being uncomfortable with nothing but that one thing? I wasn’t thinking straight, here’s a list of things I am uncomfortable with.” As I start to list off various activities that do not indeed tickle my fancy in this stage of our ‘relationship’. Or I have to figure out some other way of telling him without actually telling him, when in reality it is easier to just say it. Mm, this is going to be more complicated than I thought. But I think I should take my own advice that I give to my friends, “state what you want, and if he doesn’t agree, then he obviously isn’t the best choice of a person to pursue”.

I just don’t know, I really am not good at talking about things, and I need to fix that. Maybe I need therapy or something. You know what? I might actually willingly accept some therapy right now. It would be a nice change from having to tell this poor soul of a blog everything that’s in my head. But the therapist I would get along with would be RARELY found here, or on my insurance card list. I think I’m shit out of luck unless I want to get a job to pay for my own therapy, which actually doesn’t sound half bad.

My mood and current situation right now is very much akin to the Fiona Apple song ‘Sullen Girl’, which I suggest you at least read the lyrics of if not listen to it. I quite like it seeing as it describes the state the coppertheif left me in. I often find that her lyrics are more comforting than her actual singing of the words, but whatever. I just read some Fiona Aple lyrics that I like a lot, you might notice I also love to change subject, haha. They say something along the lines of “this is not about love, ’cause I am not in love, in fact I can’t seem to stop falling out, I miss that stupid ache”, I really like those.

I just remembered this artist called Beth Hart, and she has some really good lyrics that I can really relate to, too. One song of hers, I haven’t heard her actually sing it, but I like the lyrics enough, is called “I Leave The Light On”, I really relate to that. I don’t know, I’m getting sidetracked, my apologies. I really have nothing else to empty out right now. Well, that’s a lie, but I’m typing entirely too much for one blog post.

Had a relapse last night with ‘that bad habit’. Along with trying to quit smoking, I’m stressed out, and it doesn’t help at all in the morning, but it’s not so bad, and then into the late hours of the night I think it’s the best solution for some reason and I slide shakily back from my personal recovery. Life is throwing everything it has at me right now.

There was just a bug in my Rockstar energy drink and now I turn my nose up at it. How horrid. Oh well, only a bit left anyway.

Am I stupid to be upset when he tells me to hold on a second and takes an hour? Is it completely absurd to be a little mad when he tells me he will call me in a few, and it’s two hours later? I don’t know, but I’m very impatient, and I get angry quickly. Short fused, as you may have noticed. But I can’t help but forget about it all every time I hear his voice on the other end of the telephone.

Mm, I don’t know, I’m a teenage girl, why do I worry so much? Oh right, because I’m a teenage girl, duh. I’ve also written a series of songs about this particular situation inspiring me to do so, haha, they’re all very diverse and random, I might post them later on, or I might not, we’ll see.

Well, mother needs the phone, turns out her Mammogram went really well and they found no signs of cancer, so we’re all relieved. I suppose you faithful blog-readers will hear from me again soon.

Just Jo Ann

The Course Of True Love Never Did Run Smooth.

    So, last week on Tuesday I went to the Arts Hall where I normally spend my lunch, and there I find this boy.  I was being only myself, loud and happy and humorous.  The next day he wasn’t in the hall, so I asked his friend where he had gone, and in the way I said it, his friend knew that I had liked him.  Somehow I ended up speaking to him on messenger, I got his ID from messages exchanged on myspace.  It was Thursday by the time he got around to asking for my number.  I was astounded.  I’ve had a crush on Cullin for about a year.  I’d seen him around school, but with his girlfriend.  They recently broke up.  Upon confessing our liking to each other, he mentioned that he hadn’t laughed so much in weeks, and since he’d met me, it had been a blast.  He invited me to his band practice the following day and I said I’d go.  So, after school we met and off we went to his friend Jordan’s house where we laughed and flirted.  By the end of the night we were holding hands.  He was completely sweet, and unlike the rest of the boys I’ve had dates with, he got out of the car, and I got out, and he walked me to the door, my hand in his.  We said goodnight and he kissed me.  I was speechless to say the least.  We said our goodbyes and went on our way.  He called not five minutes later, exclaiming that he was so happy and that was the most fun he’d probably had in four years.  I told him it was the same for me.  He wants me to quit smoking, and I’m trying my hardest on that, too.

So, sunday rolls around, and we decide to hang out when he gets back from his brother’s house in Knoxville.  We end up at first just going to the park and parking for a while, holding hands and talking.  It was nice.  We then go to McDonald’s and get a McChicken, haha.  My favorite sandwich from there and his too.  Then we venture off to Anthony’s house to wait on him to arrive.  My god Cullin makes me blush like no one ever has before.  He also makes me feel shy, and I have no clue why, but I like him a lot. We talk, and snuggle, and kiss, and Anthony takes and shower and gets ready to go see his girlfriend, and then we leave and he brings me back home.  He walks me to the door again, and kisses me goodbye.  This time I call him before he gets too far away at all, haha.

So, to fill you in on more details.  His name is Cullin Key, and he’s absolutely gorgeous.  He has braces, and he’s as tall as me to the inch I do believe.  He’s seventeen and his birthday is September 10th.  He has a daughter, her birthday is April 22.  She is about a year and a half old.  He recently broke up with her mother, and I hope and pray, because it seems he is,  that he is thoroughly over her, because if he breaks my heart..well, yeah.  Either way.  His parents don’t believe he’s ready for another relationship, so we’re just taking things as they come at the moment, talking I guess you could say.  I really like him and it feels like this is the start of something good.  We’re not making our attempts at anything really obvious because we both know it could cause trouble with Megan, Emileah’s mother.

It seems like he really likes me and I hope it’s apparent that I really like him, too.  He plans on going into the National Guard.  He’s actually doing some of his stuff right now, so yeah.  To say it worries me is an understatement, but if it’s what will make him happy, then I want him to pursue it with great enthusiasm.

Oh, and last year we did these little survey things where you fill out the questions and see who comes out on your top matching results.  Cullin was the number ONE on mine, and I asked people over and over who he was, and I could never find out.  Now I know, and I’m thinking that those things aren’t quite so stupid.

I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.