Stop telling such outlandish tales!
Stop turning minnow into whales!
Maybe I am too eager to leave home, but who isn’t? Day in and day out my mother claims I love other people more than her, claims I should stay home more often. What am I supposed to tell her? I can just imagine it now.
“I don’t want to stay home.” “But why?” “Well, maybe because I’m afraid that in the short span of two and a half days my boyfriend will find someone better, because I have the same insecurities you do.”
That wouldn’t work, she’d throw Seth’s imperfections in to my face and then claim I was making excuses. Or maybe this one.
“I don’t want to stay home.” “It’s because you hate me!” “No, it’s because I don’t trust him.”
Nope, that’s a fail as well. It’s so hard to talk to her about things, she’s immature in a way. She’s so insecure, must be where I get it from, and so afraid that I’ll like some other people better than her, afraid that I don’t spend time at home because she’s not a good mother. My god some times she just goes over the top. She really doesn’t understand how horrible she makes me feel for wanting to leave home when I turn eighteen. I know I’m going to feel bad in the end, but it’s what I want, and if she can’t accept that..then I suppose I’ll just have to live with the guilt until she can.
I cry constantly about these things, and I try to talk to Seth about them, but am I supposed to tell him that I don’t trust him? That I don’t feel as if I’m good enough and if anyone the least bit better comes along he’ll drop me and snag them up instead? I couldn’t. I said I was getting better with communication, but I think I was lying to myself, because when things get tough, some times I even forget to breathe.
I’ve decided I’ll finish school, because it’s what I need to do to secure my future. Sure, it’s going to be hard, and probably going to leave me an emotional wreck more than a few times, but I believe it might just be worth it. I had this fear a while back that since Seth is out of school, if I chose to finish school he might leave me for someone who had more time for him. I don’t know, I have this problem with turning minnows into whales.
I’m always so afraid of everything, and I can’t hardly stand to make the important decisions for myself because I fear for the consequences and I think that some how, even though I know it’s not right, someone else making the decision for me will make the results less severe. I’m fucked up.
I learned the other day that I’m flat out failing two of my required classes and the only way to pass them is to do the next two six-week periods the best I can. I must make at least an 80 in both of these classes to pass, and possibly one more, but I don’t even want to look at my grade in there.
I procrastinate, and I just can’t fix it.
Someone stepped on my rose tinted glasses a long while back.
Nothing’s ever been the same.
