Reinvention.

The New Jo Ann, as people so adamantly name her, has decided to take life into her own hands, her life specifically, and handling it delicately perhaps she can right it and build it back to the thriving thing it once was.  Nursing her life back to health is her top most priority. New Jo Ann is drinking nothing but water, and takes a vitamin for physical improvement of her nails, hair, and skin. It also contains collagen, but it’s not like she needs that! Today she walked two and a half miles, and Saturday she walked about three.  Exercising and eating healthy is amazing, but she didn’t realize this before.  Music still keeps her going, and her life is filled with it. She has the best friends a person could have and they are SO supportive. School is going fine, and she hopes to make good grades, despite her low GPA from the previous year. Life is going to be amazing from here on out, and she can feel it in every particle of her being.

Third Person Narrated.

Just Jo Ann

The Bastard Strikes Again.

I Was Never Yours, You Were Never Mine, We Were Never Us.

[Image Is BENGiZ from DA]

I’m Not In Love, In Fact I Can’t Seem To Stop Falling Out

I contacted The Bastard, telling him I wished I could still talk to him openly.  He replied today, asking why it was awkward. I told him I felt too many emotions for him, told him I felt he was thoroughly done with me, never cared about me.  We’ve been talking for about an hour now, maybe two.  He’s told me in that time that he doesn’t even see why it was necessary to break up, tells me he’d like to hang out, misses me a little.  This is such bullshit, I’ve been utterly miserable for months, and I think this conversation we’re having is helping me to get over him.  Sorry mother fucker.  I say that, and yet I can’t help but still feel something toward him.  A friendship with him would be nice, no romantic feelings attached. He asks if I’m dating anyone, and it makes my heart jump.

What a Bastard.

Just Jo Ann

Refuses to be in love.

Just Another Typical Girl.

That’s what he just said to me.  A fucking sixteen year old, who has known me maybe a few weeks, and thinks he knows me well enough to make that assumption that is so very fucking hurtful.  I should take my own advice more, he was fucking right.  Just another goddamned bastard.

Just Jo Ann

is

Mad As Hell

What she wants.

I do not know if this is out of sheer boredom, or if I just feel the need to make a list like this, but I’m going to type it here, regardless.  This is a list of…well I suppose things I want to do in my life-time. An abridged version, if you will, of the simplest things that are popping into my head right at this moment.

1. I want to go out to dinner at a real restaurant. One where I feel obligated to dress up, wear heels, do my hair and wear some goddamned make-up.
2. I want a boy to bring me flowers just because.
3. I want to write a story.
4. I want to go to a REAL Broadway show, in New York.

Well, that’s pretty short…O_O

Protected: Build Me Your Bridges, Build Me The Moon.

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I’m so excited!

I turn eighteen in about three months, and I can’t wait to get my body mods on the road.  I want my piercings a little, but I really really want my ink.  Some people say it’s horrible to make your body such an ugly thing by adding body mods, but I think they’re beautiful.

Learning doesn’t mean understanding.

 

 

 I’ve learned that letting go is the best thing for myself right now.  I still have glimpses of small memories of him, true, but it’s good things at least.  Moving on is the next best thing, I must first let go, or moving on will make it harder, you know, dragging all that extra weight along. I don’t know, I’m moving along at a snail-like pace, but with rugged persistence.  I just want to forget, but that would be worse than just moving on.  If I forget, then the knowledge gained from the hurt and experience would just be gone, and I’d probably end up in the same situation again, just to learn the thing over. Maybe I’m making no sense, but i needed to write. I’m starting a zine, though I doubt any of you will see it, unless I get my laptop soon and my scanner working again.  I don’t know, I just thought of making a zine today, and it’s a good outlet and a good hobby, so yep. School starts back the thirteenth, and I’m almost wishing it would come sooner. Well, that’s all I have to cover for now.

 

 

All My Love,

Just held together Jo Ann.

Heartache.

Do you know

How long I would have tried

Just to make you happy

So I could see your smiling eyes again

How could you know

The things that I had planned

But it all dead-panned

Because your blue prints were out in the rain

Give me a chance to take it back

Everything that I have said

From I love you, to the wishes you were dead

Let’s start over

There’s a tune in my head

And I’m playing it out

Playing it out loud so maybe you can

Figure out how long it will take

Until my reserves begin to break and bleed

This me and only me

Take the time to re-assess

Think you’ve found your happiness

I know, you’re never coming back

We’ll never have a home

I’m waiting for the rain to come

Just Jo Ann Original.

I love you, kill me.

Right now, I feel as if nothing could make my life worse.  This is going to seem juvenile and completely unintelligent.  Seth broke up with me for about two weeks.  He claimed that he couldn’t handle a relationship.  After the two weeks we got back together, saying that we didn’t know what to do without each other.  Last night, he called me, drunk as usual, and broke my heart into miniscule shards from what was left. He kept telling me that he wasn’t for me, but I begged to differ.  I screamed and I cried and now I can do nothing but sit here and hope that the next wave of emotion that hits me is less severe than the last.  My eyes are sore and my knuckles hurt from hitting so many things.  I told him I did not think I would ever get over him, and he told me to burn the pictures, that it would help.  He doesn’t understand that I loved him so thoroughly that my life without him seems to come to a stand-still.  There’s no reason to live anymore if I’m not going to be able to have a loving embrace waiting for me at the week’s end.  I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.  I thought that we could work through problems, I thought we were meant to be.  The two weeks we were broken up before, every boy I thought I liked I could only compare to Seth.  It just doesn’t make sense.  He told me that he loved me and I argued that if he did he would be with me.  He said he has to make himself happy before he involves anyone else.  He told me that I made him happy in the beginning, and I told him that no matter how horrible he was to me he made me happy.  I can’t help but fear that this is the end of the world as I know it.  All things pure and beautiful are masked by a film of misery and disgust for anything that breathes.

I told him he was the only one who called me beautiful and made me believe it.

He told me I was still beautiful.

Just Jo Ann.

At A Loss of How To Live.

Summer Time And The Living’s Easy, Supposedly.

All is well with me, and life is going bumpily, as usual.  My boyfriend tells me he feels smothered after I spend just one day over my normal at his house, this worries me because the only reason I spend so much time close to him is because of lack of trust and over flowing circumstances of love and adoration.  Other than that, everything is going just fine. I’m realizing that maybe I need to begin living a little bit more.  I’m going to buy a bicycle and ride everywhere, pretty soon.  I’m joining a gym, and I’m going to swim like a fish this summer.  I’m tired of being caged, I’m tired of being worried. I’m tired of being pessimistic, so now that changes. I’m giving Seth space, and I’m giving myself an easy realization and time to think about who I am and what life holds. Hopefully everything will work out and leave me with a happy point of view, if not then it’s only to change me for the better.  Know what? I’ve decided that mine and Seth’s relationship ending might not kill me, so that’s awesome. =]